Sleep

I get so little. I woke in the night (around
3) feeling very anxious. Been a long time since
I felt the need to take a Xanax in the middle of
the night, but I did, and I fell back asleep and did
not get up until 10:30. I feel I could go right back
to sleep now--only an hour since rising from the bed,
starting the coffee, taking Molly out, feeding her,
making myself some breakfast, and reading over
the Obama plan for affordable housing (sister is
about to lose her house--hopeful that won't happen).

A. is doing much better. I see improvement every
day. I think she has been overwhelmed and at her
breaking point for some time, and I think she
recognizes some triggers now which she did not
recognize before.

The kids are in Panama today. They are supposed
to go to the beach and through the canal and a few
other things. They will stay one more night and then
head back to Costa Rica.

J got married yesterday. She sent a text at 12:12 the
night before letting all of us (coworkers) know. We
suspected but she was being very secretive. I am happy
for her. I am happy when I am around or see two people
who really love one another. What an amazing part of life
loving another is, and if you have a person with you each day
until the end of your days and the love remains, what more
could you have asked for in this life? That was the first
wedding I had attended in several years. Just her son,
her dad and stepmom, her aunt & uncle, her brothers,
and three coworkers. They were just going to have their
witnesses present, but she changed her mind and had the
family there, and the night before, she told us. I am glad
I attended. Made me feel hopeful for the day.

Of course, there is the love of your children--a love no other
love is like, but children grow up and leave their parents,
as they should. So if the relationship between the parents
is tenuous and based largely on staying together for the
children, I would think it would be very difficult to keep
that relationship afloat.

Yesterday was simply beautiful outside. The kind of day
to take a picnic, a long hike, go to the park, go to the lake,
work in the yard, take a long walk. But I did none of those
things.

I was driving home from the recycling center and had to
make a detour because part of downtown was blocked
off for a soap box derby. As I turned left , I saw a father
(I assume), helping his daughter get into her soap box.
I noticed other participants bringing their cars to the
starting line. I could hear laughter, and see people smiling,
helping their kids, enjoying one small moment in the many
which make up our lifetimes. It made me feel sad.
It made me feel that I was wasting my day. It made me
long for those days when my children were younger
and we spent time doing things together. Sometimes I
feel so empty. I feel all of the joy in my life has gone away
to play somewhere else and might not ever revisit me.

Last night, however, it did. In the form of fireflies. The first
ones I have seen this year. I wanted to come in the house
and find an old jar and go catch some, but I was content
just to watch them, to let them bring light to an otherwise
dark and searching heart.