To Do

brush teeth
wash face
do dishes
mop kitchen floor
do laundry
mow yard
plant the speedwell before it dies
shower
cook
do it all over again
and again
again

May just lie in bed and read--too hot to do anything outside.
It was 95 yesterday with a 105 heat index.

Let's see--lots of stress this week. A. is up and down.
I don't want to be making any kind of diagnosis, but
she is going through some definite rapid-cycling.
I can't think this would still be from the drug.

I love her and want her here, but she and Wes are not
getting along and she really doesn't like Molly at all!
Every time Molly barks, A. looks like she's going
to jump out of her skin. I think she's making Molly
a nervous wreck. Molly's definitely not behaving
like herself (not eating her breakfast 1/2 the time,
looking mopey). But what can I do? I am trying hard
to be here for everyone, but I'm getting stretched
rather thin. Thank goodness for the good days and
moments when things are on an even keel and we're
just quietly all hanging out together or we're playing
a game or having a nice meal.

Speaking of having a nice meal, something weird is
going on with me. I f****ing don't even want to cook
anymore. I was so digging creating new dishes or
finding old favorites in the recipe books or reading
new recipes and trying them. My shelves are lined
with recipe books, but my heart isn't in it. Matter of
fact, I don't even want to eat many days. Eat I do
though, and drink. Mostly drink lots at night and just
let the liquor take me away. I did teach A. how to
make tortellini soup last night. It was good, and she's
thrilled to know how to make it. Tonight something
very basic like a ginger-glazed chicken, some fresh
corn, broccoli, herbed new potatoes, but I could really
care less.

Sister lost her house. F***ing Obama plan is nothing
but hype. Any reader of this tripe who so chooses should
go review the website and read some of the testimonials.

Here's one that really gets me:

http://makinghomeaffordable.gov/example_modification.html

The chick in the example brings in $4,200.00 a month. Holy
crap! And she can't make ends meet on that? That's ludicrous!

It appears this is another one of those plans for people with money
who live beyond their means. I know my sister has worked
hard all of her life, not lived beyond her means, currently works
2-3 jobs to make sure she can pay her bills, but is she going
to get any help? Nope. She lost her job in Nov. and is now bringing
in only about 1/3 of what she once brought home, but can't they
work with her for five years to give her time to hopefully find
a better job or for the market to improve so she can sell the house
and actually have some money left after paying off the loan,
or enough time to find a better job and be able to continue to keep
her house.

But, it's a done deal. They (the infamous they) said no.

So, I have to figure out when I can get to Fl to help her
transport her art here. Most likely, she will rent a U-Haul
there and bring the work here and I'll take her back.

Much to consider.

Time to go brush my teeth. Crashed last night without doing
that and they feel really gross. Yuck.

Purpose

In the last week, two or three of my clients
told me during their initial assessment that they
just feel there is no purpose to their lives.
One of them is in her mid 40s--the others in their
50s. All presented with anhedonia and dysphoria,
all had suffered losses in the last 2-3 years, all had
grown children, each expressed a prior interest
in a variety fo things--gardening, art, reading--
which no longer exists. For as dysphoric as each
of them was, it gives me hope to know they reached
out for help.

So, I am thinking about purpose. What is my purpose?
Does it matter? How much? Will I be one of those
people who thinks I can never be the person I want
to be, who thinks of myself in utilitarian terms, who
lives the rest of my life on the outside looking in?

I don't know. It goes back to the old question:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
The question was not What do you want to do?
Be. Key word.

Today, I "be" lazing. Slept until 10:30. Eating a
light breakfast. Going to have lunch later with a
friend. Then I need to clean this mess up.

Email from Lauren. She was sick all night with severe
vomitting and diarrhea. That's bad enough when you're
in your own home, but when you're in Costa Rica in a
hostel room you're sharing with your boyfriend and
brother, that's real bad! She says she feels better
this morning. I sure hope the worst of it has passed.

Some Rain

Much needed. For months, we had nothing but rain,
but now, when I really need it (just planted some new
flowers), it clouds up, thunders, and lightnings but only
produces a scant amount of precipitation.

Eating a turkey sandwich for breakfast. Turkey and some
Laughing Cow 50% less fat swiss cheese on whole wheat.
If I eat yogurt or cereal, I'm hungry again in about 2 hours,
but I don't get hungry if I eat a sandwich or leftovers
for breakfast.

Missing my son and will be glad when he gets back to the
country. Of course, I miss my daughter, too, but she does
not live here. It is going to be a huge adjustment for me
when Wes leaves. I've been a mom with children at home
since 1978. I would bring Isaac here if I didn't have to
put up Molly, but unfortunately, Molly still jumps on
people. Very annoying. I work hard with her, but my
husband doesn't, so there is no consistency in the training.
She is not going to stop until he does what I ask of him:
ignore her when you come in the door. Don't look at her,
don't pet her, don't speak to her, turn your back on her.
When she is calmer, then acknowledge her. Not the way
it works. So my grandson can't come over here. I go visit
him at his house. Need to go soon--haven't seen him in a
few weeks and I am missing him! Been busy with travel
and A. at the house. She's doing better each day, and I love
her company. We've always been close, and I'm glad she knew
she could come here.

Woke earlier than usual this morning. Maybe I'll actually
get to work on time!

Reflections

I posted Reflections of My Life on my other blog.
The one I can't write on any longer. At least not
for now. I'll let the music speak for me.

I am making stuffed peppers. It is sunny. I planted
flowers yesterday. My heart has been skipping beats
all day. I was dreaming vividly this morning when
the alarm went off. I needed to stay in that dream,
but life was calling. I took Molly for a walk. I worked
1/2 of the day in Hopkinsville. I am getting more grey
hair. I am trying to hang with it. Hang with it.

The kids are enjoying Panama and will be heading back
to Costa Rica tomorrow. They did not enjoy their hostel
stay last night--too hot.

A. is doing better each day. Don't know yet about B. Won't
know for another week the results of her tests.

My mom is not feeling well. She will be 73 in Oct. I should
go see her more often. I have a hard time being with her.
It gets confusing.

I am ok. For this moment, and that is enough.

Firefly Flash

Sleep

I get so little. I woke in the night (around
3) feeling very anxious. Been a long time since
I felt the need to take a Xanax in the middle of
the night, but I did, and I fell back asleep and did
not get up until 10:30. I feel I could go right back
to sleep now--only an hour since rising from the bed,
starting the coffee, taking Molly out, feeding her,
making myself some breakfast, and reading over
the Obama plan for affordable housing (sister is
about to lose her house--hopeful that won't happen).

A. is doing much better. I see improvement every
day. I think she has been overwhelmed and at her
breaking point for some time, and I think she
recognizes some triggers now which she did not
recognize before.

The kids are in Panama today. They are supposed
to go to the beach and through the canal and a few
other things. They will stay one more night and then
head back to Costa Rica.

J got married yesterday. She sent a text at 12:12 the
night before letting all of us (coworkers) know. We
suspected but she was being very secretive. I am happy
for her. I am happy when I am around or see two people
who really love one another. What an amazing part of life
loving another is, and if you have a person with you each day
until the end of your days and the love remains, what more
could you have asked for in this life? That was the first
wedding I had attended in several years. Just her son,
her dad and stepmom, her aunt & uncle, her brothers,
and three coworkers. They were just going to have their
witnesses present, but she changed her mind and had the
family there, and the night before, she told us. I am glad
I attended. Made me feel hopeful for the day.

Of course, there is the love of your children--a love no other
love is like, but children grow up and leave their parents,
as they should. So if the relationship between the parents
is tenuous and based largely on staying together for the
children, I would think it would be very difficult to keep
that relationship afloat.

Yesterday was simply beautiful outside. The kind of day
to take a picnic, a long hike, go to the park, go to the lake,
work in the yard, take a long walk. But I did none of those
things.

I was driving home from the recycling center and had to
make a detour because part of downtown was blocked
off for a soap box derby. As I turned left , I saw a father
(I assume), helping his daughter get into her soap box.
I noticed other participants bringing their cars to the
starting line. I could hear laughter, and see people smiling,
helping their kids, enjoying one small moment in the many
which make up our lifetimes. It made me feel sad.
It made me feel that I was wasting my day. It made me
long for those days when my children were younger
and we spent time doing things together. Sometimes I
feel so empty. I feel all of the joy in my life has gone away
to play somewhere else and might not ever revisit me.

Last night, however, it did. In the form of fireflies. The first
ones I have seen this year. I wanted to come in the house
and find an old jar and go catch some, but I was content
just to watch them, to let them bring light to an otherwise
dark and searching heart.

Wild Primrose

Cleveland, Briefly

I should be sleeping. Drove home from Cleveland
today. About an 8 hour drive. But I can't sleep.
I can still feel the wheels spinning beneath my
feet.

Got into Cleveland around 11:30 pm last night.
First thing I saw when I got off I-71 was Progressive
Field--Home of the Indians. ANd I felt sad and strange
and at home. I was thinking about how we used
to go to balllgames years ago, when my oldest two
were younger.

It was so quiet and deserted at 11:30 on a Tuesday night,
but I would venture to say it's not like that when the
Indians or Browns or Cavs are playing.

My eyes are pouring from allergies. They have been for
two days. I want to write more and I think why.

Lauren, Wes, & Jon leave for Costa Rica tomorrow. I am
struggling with this but must be happy for them. I want
my children to travel and see this world. I don't want
them to be like me--afraid to do much.

Must talk about the elevator next time I write.