Crazy

Not that. What is that anyway? A good thing
at times. An all alive all over thing.

Tonight, during a conversation with B, I brought
up the matters of that day. The day they loaded
your body in the ambulance, headed for the morgue.
I had to go into the house and wrap my arms around
your husband to get him off your body, to get him
to the outside, to get him to a place where I could
ask the hard questions: where is her address book?
I need to call people.

I feel it's sacriledge, or something close, to write about
it, so I haven't written about it much. It's been ten
years. I don't think about you every day, but I do
very often. A month or so ago, Lauren & Wes were
going through the closet in the computer room.
They found a purse with many pairs of glasses, some
jewelry, and a social security card. I was called in
to answer some questions. It was an odd moment.
It was a hard moment. After it passed, I think
I put all the contents of the purse back together
and placed them back in the closet. It will be 10
years June 1.

I thought I would spend this evening preparing
and then eating my dinner, but I spent it drinking.
The food is in the kitchen,, but I am not hungry.

I need sleep. Good, deep sleep. Lots of days of
good deep sleep. Mornings I can wake up and know
I've slept well. I am going to keep hoping for that.
I don't want eternal sleep. I must not keep fearing
that each night I lie down to go to sleep.

Fight for your right to be here. Fight. It is a fight.
I will fight.