I know

that no one can help me through this. I get through
it all or die. I see how death takes those whose hearts
are so broken, whose worlds are turned upside
down, who feel they have no purpose left.

Being melodramatic, but I am distraught and sad beyond
expectation or necessity or an acceptable level. It's, perhaps,
another way I sabotage me.

I ran over my 11 1/2 yr old cat two days ago. Just after burying
him and returning to work (as if I could work), I got a call that
my son, daughter-in-law and grandson were in a car accident
in Evansville (about an hour from here). They are going to be
fine, thank god. The car is totaled, son has a broken collar bone,
son and daughter in law both hurting and bruised, my darling little
Isaac is just fine.

But I can't not hear that thump under the wheel, see him running
herky jerky int the neighbor's yard, watch him take his last breath.
I can't get that outof my head. I can't stand to go to the door and
not find him there, waiting to come in to talk to me a bit and have
a bite to eat. I am so heartbroken.

Youngest is now off to school. The house is so quiet. Husband is
going to be gone for 11 days. Could not come at a worse time.

I need some help. I just don't know what kind of help.