Grey, grey go away

Another grey day. We may have one sunny day
a week here. It's getting very depressing. It
was cloudy yesterday morning, but by 3 or so, the
sun had come out, the sky was a piercing blue, and
a male cardinal had graced me with his presence
and his song from a branch in the holly tree. I could
see him perfectly. Could see his chest move as he
sang. He noticed me, but didn't fly away. He just
changed his song. And then, the wind picked up,
the sky grew very dark, he vanished, and the tornado
sirens went off. I had time to get the cats and Molly
to the basement before the hail and heavy rain started.
No damage--just more water in that frigging basement.

It would not be a day in my life if I didn't mention the
my various physical complaints. Woke with my left eye,
left ear, behind my left ear, and the left side of my head
hurting. Not to mention the pain I've had at the nape
of neck (left side) for weeks now. I have also been either
burning up or freezing all morning. My left eye is better,
but full of gunk. Lots of palpitations and tachycardia
in the night. Nothing new about that either. Also heart-
burn (nothing new about that either). I guess that sums
today's aches, pains, & worries up for now.

My mother-in-law called earlier to tell me my father-in-law
is in the hospital--pneumonia. Seems it came on very
suddenly. I just talked with her last night, and spoke to
him yesterday, and he didn't say anything about feeling
bad or coughing and neither did she. She's supposed
to call me back if she needs me to take her to the hospital.
If so, I'll have to call hubby. Wes took my vehicle to Nashville
this weekend to go visit Lauren. All I have is his 81 Z28
Camaro. There was a day I would have enjoyed that car,
but not now. Not an easy one to get in and out of, and would
not be an easy one to get mother-in-law in and out of.

I came here with the intention of writing a poem. I think
I have forgotten how. Not that I ever knew how to very
well anyhoo. I just got lucky a few times when my eyes
and senses were completely aware. That so rarely happens
these days.

I have to lose this weight. I don't like exercise. But, I do
like to dance, so I am going to try to make myself take
at least a 30 minute walk 4-5 times a week and dance
4-5 days a week. I was dancing to Jump In The Line
earlier (finally figured out how to get YouTube videos
back on my blog--just had to post under HTML, but I
am not all that computer savvy, so it took me a while
to figure it out--so, Harry Belafonte made his way here!).
No walk today though. I could barely stand getting in
and out of the car. The wind is biting and it's spitting
snow(or it was earlier). I hope tomorrow afternoon
will be nicer.

************************************

Should I mark more than shining hours?

from For The Time Being by Annie Dillard

Jump In The Line

Twitchy Eye

Ok, here we go again. A new problem. My left
eyelid is inflamed and itchy. I washed my make up
off last night and placed a warm compress on it
for about 15 minutes. It is not as swollen this morning,
but it is itchy & twitchy & my eye feels like it has sand in it.
The redness does not appear to be a sty(e). I'll just have
to keep an eye on it.

At the doc last week, I mentioned my bleeding problem.
She thinks I broke a vessel in the flap (can't think of the
name) that spearates the esophagus and the stomach.
It would take it some time to heal, so I could still be
tasting the blood in my mouth from time to time from
that. She did order a CBC with diff, lipid profile, thyroid
panel, CA 125, and some other tests. If my blood count
is normal, it is not likely that I have internal bleeding from
a peptic ulcer or varices, etc. Wow, I can't believe I actually
told her, but I did. I can come here and write about these
things, but I don't dare speak about them. Hypochondriasis.
Must be what everything is all about. Why, on top of all
my other real or imaginary plights, did I have to end up
with that idiosyncrasy?

Raining this morning. Which I don't mind except it makes
me want to go back to bed, which dosn't sound like an
altogether bad idea. I have books to read. But I have
tired of Annie and that upsets me. I do like reading about
the terracotta army and the children in Smith's book--
e.g. the bird-headed dwarf children. So, I guess I'll go
try to read. I also got out my Plath and read Morning Song
and Child. I will look for Nick and the Candlestick.

He looks much like his father in this photo
Nicholas Hughes, son of Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes

In Memoriam, Nicholas Hughes, 1962-2009

By The Time

...I get around to posting anything here, most
everything I thought I wanted to say either
doesn't matter anymore or I just don't have the
energy or need to say it.

Yesterday, when I had Molly outside in the back
yard to do her business, I noticed that one of the
daffodils I planted two years ago had this deep
orange center. It was the color of free range
chicken yolks. Free range from my friend who
had chickens for a few years. She brought me
dozens of eggs, whose shells ranged from speckled
turquoise to light brown. I was apprehensive about
eating them with a yolk so orange. But they were
good--intense, but good. So I thought about her
and I thought about my brother's significant other
who sent those bulbs to me for my birthday in 07.
And I thought how little I try or make an effort
to stay in touch with my siblings now.


There is a disturbance in the force, which is not
always a bad thing.

So, I read some Kay Ryan last night. About 15 poems.
I liked one of them. I may post it soon.

Work is good. I like what I do. I like my coworkers.

I finally had a response on my other blog from a long
time poetry and blog friend. I am most grateful
and will probably send her a personal email.

I guess I figure I really don't have anything to post
or to say to anyone these days. I keep most of what
I am thinking inside. I spend time with friends--
old and new--and am enjoying that. I talk but
sometimes I just gab. Which is ok. I am me.
I can talk shop with the best of the shoptalkers,
and I can relate to those who don't know how
or don't aspisre to talk shop.

I am falling out of love with Annie Dillard. I was
digging For The Time Being, and then it hit me
that Annie is a rich, educated, white out of touch
with my reality person, and I grew disenchanted,
which is not a bad thing. I don't have her on a pedestal
any longer. I don't know whether she would like
to have been there anyway.

The teracotta army is of interest to me. Don't know
why I never knew about it until I was reading Dillard's
book.

That's all.

On Naivete

My naivete is large. So large sometimes I feel
I must be stupid. How can one person have such
faith in other people? This coming from me, the
cynic.

It's 10:30 and I'm just now eating my cordon bleu.

I have not been able to get beyond my simplicity
enough to eat until now. Now that I know some
parts of our personalities are so fixed.

I didn't realize until today how much faith I still
had in others. How much trust.

We live and work in a system that doesn't put much
stock in trust. Many of us have been burned, chastised,
ridiculed for believing in some kind of intrinsic good.

I am not saying I will let that go. I am saying I must
learn that there are places and times and situations
in which society has dictated one cannot accept the
offerings of others.

Vague but all I have to give. Time for a soak in the tub.